December 31, 2005
December 30, 2005
I Went To A Party, Mom
I went to a party,
And remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink,
Mom So I had a sprite instead.
I felt proud of myself,
The way you said I would,
That I didn't drink and drive,
Though some friends said I should.
I made a healthy choice,
And your advice to me was right,
The party finally ended,
And the kids drove out of sight.
I got into my car,
Sure to get home in one piece,
I never knew what was coming,
Mom Something I expected least.
Now I'm lying on the pavement,
And I hear the policeman say,
The kid that caused this wreck was drunk,
Mom, his voice seems far away.
My own blood's all around me,
As I try hard not to cry.
I can hear the paramedic say,
This girl is going to die.
I'm sure the guy had no idea,
While he was flying high,
Because he chose to drink and drive,
Now I would have to die.
So why do people do it,
Mom Knowing that it ruins lives?
And now the pain is cutting me,
Like a hundred stabbing knives.
Tell sister not to be afraid,
Mom Tell daddy to be brave,
And when I go to heaven,
Put Daddy's Girl on my grave.
Someone should have taught him,
That its wrong to drink and drive.
Maybe if his parents had,
I'd still be alive.
My breath is getting shorter,
Mom I'm getting really scared.
These are my final moments,
And I'm so unprepared.
I wish that you could hold me Mom,
As I lie here and die.
I wish that I could say I love you,
Mom So I love you and good-bye.
And remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink,
Mom So I had a sprite instead.
I felt proud of myself,
The way you said I would,
That I didn't drink and drive,
Though some friends said I should.
I made a healthy choice,
And your advice to me was right,
The party finally ended,
And the kids drove out of sight.
I got into my car,
Sure to get home in one piece,
I never knew what was coming,
Mom Something I expected least.
Now I'm lying on the pavement,
And I hear the policeman say,
The kid that caused this wreck was drunk,
Mom, his voice seems far away.
My own blood's all around me,
As I try hard not to cry.
I can hear the paramedic say,
This girl is going to die.
I'm sure the guy had no idea,
While he was flying high,
Because he chose to drink and drive,
Now I would have to die.
So why do people do it,
Mom Knowing that it ruins lives?
And now the pain is cutting me,
Like a hundred stabbing knives.
Tell sister not to be afraid,
Mom Tell daddy to be brave,
And when I go to heaven,
Put Daddy's Girl on my grave.
Someone should have taught him,
That its wrong to drink and drive.
Maybe if his parents had,
I'd still be alive.
My breath is getting shorter,
Mom I'm getting really scared.
These are my final moments,
And I'm so unprepared.
I wish that you could hold me Mom,
As I lie here and die.
I wish that I could say I love you,
Mom So I love you and good-bye.
I am thankful...
For the husband who complains when his dinner is not on time...because he is home with me, not with someone else.
For the teenager who is complaining about doing dishes... because that means she is at home & not on the streets.
For the taxes that I pay...because it means that I am employed.
For the mess to clean after a party...because it means that I have been surrounded by friends.
For the clothes that fit a little too snug...because it means I have enough to eat.
For my shadow that watches me work...because it means I am out in the sunshine.
For a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning, and gutters that need fixing... because it means I have a home.
For all the complaining I hear about the Government...because it means that we have freedom of speech.
For the parking spot I find at the far end of the Parking lot...because it means I am capable of walking and that I have been blessed with transportation.
For my huge heating bill...because it means I am warm.
For the lady behind me in church that sings off key...because it means that I can hear.
For the pile of laundry and ironing...because it means I have clothes to wear.
For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day...because it means I have been capable of working hard.
For the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours...because it means that I am alive.
And finally...for too much e-mail...because it means I have friends who are thinking of me.
For the teenager who is complaining about doing dishes... because that means she is at home & not on the streets.
For the taxes that I pay...because it means that I am employed.
For the mess to clean after a party...because it means that I have been surrounded by friends.
For the clothes that fit a little too snug...because it means I have enough to eat.
For my shadow that watches me work...because it means I am out in the sunshine.
For a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning, and gutters that need fixing... because it means I have a home.
For all the complaining I hear about the Government...because it means that we have freedom of speech.
For the parking spot I find at the far end of the Parking lot...because it means I am capable of walking and that I have been blessed with transportation.
For my huge heating bill...because it means I am warm.
For the lady behind me in church that sings off key...because it means that I can hear.
For the pile of laundry and ironing...because it means I have clothes to wear.
For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day...because it means I have been capable of working hard.
For the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours...because it means that I am alive.
And finally...for too much e-mail...because it means I have friends who are thinking of me.
PAID
A little boy goes to the kitchen in the evening while her mother was fixing supper. He handed her a piece of paper he'd been writing on. So, after wiping her hands with her apron, she read it, and this is what it said:
For mowing the grass : $5.
For making my own bed this week : $1.
For going to the store : $.50.
For playing with baby brother while U went shopping : $.25.
For taking out the trash : $1.
For getting a good report card : $5.
And for raking the yard : $2.
Well, she looked at him standing there expectantly, a thousand memories flash through her mind. After a pause, she picked up the paper, turning it over and this is what she wrote:
For the nine months I carried you, growing inside me : No Charge.
For the nights I sat up with you, doctored you, prayed for you : No charge.
For the time and the tears, and the cost through the years : No Charge.
For the nights filled with dread, and the worries ahead : No Charge.
For advice and the knowledge, and the cost of your college : No Charge.
For the toys, food and clothes, and for wiping your nose : No Charge.
Son, when you add it all up, the full cost of my love is : No Charge.
When kid finished reading, he had great big tears in his eyes. And he looked up at her and said, Mama, I do love you.?
Then he took the pen and in great big letters he wrote: P A I D
Moral of story : keep serving and respecting your parents because they are the ones who make you stand on your feet.
For mowing the grass : $5.
For making my own bed this week : $1.
For going to the store : $.50.
For playing with baby brother while U went shopping : $.25.
For taking out the trash : $1.
For getting a good report card : $5.
And for raking the yard : $2.
Well, she looked at him standing there expectantly, a thousand memories flash through her mind. After a pause, she picked up the paper, turning it over and this is what she wrote:
For the nine months I carried you, growing inside me : No Charge.
For the nights I sat up with you, doctored you, prayed for you : No charge.
For the time and the tears, and the cost through the years : No Charge.
For the nights filled with dread, and the worries ahead : No Charge.
For advice and the knowledge, and the cost of your college : No Charge.
For the toys, food and clothes, and for wiping your nose : No Charge.
Son, when you add it all up, the full cost of my love is : No Charge.
When kid finished reading, he had great big tears in his eyes. And he looked up at her and said, Mama, I do love you.?
Then he took the pen and in great big letters he wrote: P A I D
Moral of story : keep serving and respecting your parents because they are the ones who make you stand on your feet.
Who's SHE?
She took a ruler to bed to see how longSheSlept.
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
She thought General Motors was in the army.
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
Under "education" on her job application, She put "Hooked On Phonics."
She tripped over a cordless phone.
SheSpent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said to concentrate."
She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "ONE WAY."
At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here,"She! put "Sagittarius."
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
She studied for a blood test.
She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
She sold the car for gas money!
When she missed the 44 bus,She took the 22 bus twice instead.
When she went to the airport andSaw aSign that said "Airport Left, She turned around and went home.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home,She moved.
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
If she spoke her mind,She'd be speechless.
She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
She had a shirt thatSaid "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
She thought General Motors was in the army.
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
Under "education" on her job application, She put "Hooked On Phonics."
She tripped over a cordless phone.
SheSpent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said to concentrate."
She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "ONE WAY."
At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here,"She! put "Sagittarius."
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
She studied for a blood test.
She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
She sold the car for gas money!
When she missed the 44 bus,She took the 22 bus twice instead.
When she went to the airport andSaw aSign that said "Airport Left, She turned around and went home.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home,She moved.
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
If she spoke her mind,She'd be speechless.
She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
She had a shirt thatSaid "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
Enjoy Sholay
Gabbar sends Kaalia and his other two colleagues to Ramgad for collecting the 'loot-maar' software which he had ordered.
They reach Ramgad and start shouting:
Abe O thakur! Baahar nikal !! Kahan hai wo loot-maar software, jo hamne order kiya tha?"
Dhaniya, an old man comes out with a floppy in his hand.
Kaalia - "Kya laye ho dhaniya?"
Dhaniya - "Financial Accounting software hai sarkar."
Kaalia - "Suwar ke bacche! Yeh bekar software hamare liye banaya? Aur woh loot-mar software kya apni beti ke baratiyon ke liye zip file mein chuppa ke rakha hai? Haraam-zada !!"
Thakur comes out of his house with anger, saying: "Chillao mat kaalia !! Jaakar gabbar se kah do ki Thakur Software walon ne paagal kutton ke liye software banana bund kar diya hai"
Kaalia-"Bahut garmi dikha rahe ho thakur? Koi naye programmers hire kiye hain kya??"
Thakur - "Nazar utha ke dekh, Kaalia, tere sar par powerbuilder chalraha hai".
Kaalia lifts his head. He sees Viru(Dharmendra) working on a PC on one water tank and Jay(Amitabh)on another water tank, punching the keys of a Laptop.
Kaalia starts laughing and says: Haa Haa...Ye log programming karenge thakur? Haa haa... in ko to DOS commands bhi nahin aate. Suno Ramgad ke vasiyon,thakur ne data entry operators ki software company banaayi hai"
Veeru shouts: "Chup-chap chala ja kaalia. Ham log consultants hain, kuch bhi kar sakte hain"
Jay hits some commands on his keyboard. Then says: "Jao kaalia, gabbar se kahna ki uska server down ho gaya"
Kaalia-"Jaata hoon thakur. Agar gabbar ko pata chala ki Thakur Software walonne uska loot - maar software nahin banaya, to wo poore network mein virus daal dega"
At the GABBAR's den...
GABBAR: "Kittnay bugs thay"?
KALIA: "Do sarkaar"
GABBAR: "Woh do! Aur tum teen. Phir bhee fix nahin kar sake? kya soch kay aaye ho? Gabbar bahut khus hoga? Naya assignment dega, kyoon? Iski saja milegi.. Barobbar milegi"
[Snatches an X terminal from Sambaa] "Kitne sessions hain, is machine mein?"
Sambaa: Chhey Sarkaar.
GABBAR: "Session chhey aur programmer teen. Bahoot naa-insaafi hai. [logout.. logout... logout....] Haan.. ab theek hai...
Ab tera kyaa hoga kaalia?"
KAALIA: "Sarkaar, maine aapka code likha tha, sarkar?"
GABBAR: " To ab documentation likh !!!"
[LOGOUT.....]
They reach Ramgad and start shouting:
Abe O thakur! Baahar nikal !! Kahan hai wo loot-maar software, jo hamne order kiya tha?"
Dhaniya, an old man comes out with a floppy in his hand.
Kaalia - "Kya laye ho dhaniya?"
Dhaniya - "Financial Accounting software hai sarkar."
Kaalia - "Suwar ke bacche! Yeh bekar software hamare liye banaya? Aur woh loot-mar software kya apni beti ke baratiyon ke liye zip file mein chuppa ke rakha hai? Haraam-zada !!"
Thakur comes out of his house with anger, saying: "Chillao mat kaalia !! Jaakar gabbar se kah do ki Thakur Software walon ne paagal kutton ke liye software banana bund kar diya hai"
Kaalia-"Bahut garmi dikha rahe ho thakur? Koi naye programmers hire kiye hain kya??"
Thakur - "Nazar utha ke dekh, Kaalia, tere sar par powerbuilder chalraha hai".
Kaalia lifts his head. He sees Viru(Dharmendra) working on a PC on one water tank and Jay(Amitabh)on another water tank, punching the keys of a Laptop.
Kaalia starts laughing and says: Haa Haa...Ye log programming karenge thakur? Haa haa... in ko to DOS commands bhi nahin aate. Suno Ramgad ke vasiyon,thakur ne data entry operators ki software company banaayi hai"
Veeru shouts: "Chup-chap chala ja kaalia. Ham log consultants hain, kuch bhi kar sakte hain"
Jay hits some commands on his keyboard. Then says: "Jao kaalia, gabbar se kahna ki uska server down ho gaya"
Kaalia-"Jaata hoon thakur. Agar gabbar ko pata chala ki Thakur Software walonne uska loot - maar software nahin banaya, to wo poore network mein virus daal dega"
At the GABBAR's den...
GABBAR: "Kittnay bugs thay"?
KALIA: "Do sarkaar"
GABBAR: "Woh do! Aur tum teen. Phir bhee fix nahin kar sake? kya soch kay aaye ho? Gabbar bahut khus hoga? Naya assignment dega, kyoon? Iski saja milegi.. Barobbar milegi"
[Snatches an X terminal from Sambaa] "Kitne sessions hain, is machine mein?"
Sambaa: Chhey Sarkaar.
GABBAR: "Session chhey aur programmer teen. Bahoot naa-insaafi hai. [logout.. logout... logout....] Haan.. ab theek hai...
Ab tera kyaa hoga kaalia?"
KAALIA: "Sarkaar, maine aapka code likha tha, sarkar?"
GABBAR: " To ab documentation likh !!!"
[LOGOUT.....]
Signs of 90's00's
Signs That You've Had Too Much Of The 90's/00's:
- You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
- You e-mail your colleague at the desk next to you to ask "Do you want to go out for lunch?" and he replies "Yeah, give me five minutes".
- You chat several times a day with a stranger from United States of America, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
- Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have e-mail.
- You have atleast one crush with an unknown email pal.
- Your idea of being organised is multicolored post-its.
- You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
- When you go home after a long day at the office you still answer the phone in a business manner.
- When you make calls from home, you automatically dial "0" to get an outside line.
- Your biggest loss from a computer crash is all of your jokes.
- It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer.
- Being sick is defined as not being able to walk or being in the hospital.
- You think half a day means leaving at 5 'O' clock.
- You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas in to a matrix.
- You feel you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
- You know the people at the airport , hotels better than your next door neighbors.
- You're already late on the assignment you just got.
- Your family and friends describe your job as "works with computers".
- You read this entire list, nodding and smiling.
- As you read this list, you thought about forwarding it to your "friends you send jokes to" e-mail group.
- It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already, but you can't be bothered to check, so you forward it anyway.
Software Ke Phool
Guru Dutt is reborn and sets up a Software firm. He makes a film, called 'Software ke phool'. Sahir Sahab likewise revises his old song for the new venture.
It goes like:
yeh document, yeh meetings, yeh features ki duniya,
yeh insaan ke dushman, cursors ki duniya
yeh deadlines ke bhooke, management ki duniya;
yeh Product agar ban bhi jaaye to kya hai?
yahaan ek khilona hai programmer ki hasti
yeh basti hai murda bug-fixers ki basti
yahaan par to raises hai, inflation se sasti
yeh Review agar ho bhi jaaye to kya hai?
har ek keyboard ghayal, har ek login pyaasi
excel mein uljhan, winword mein udaasi,
yeh office hai ya aalame microsoft ki
yeh Release agar ho bhi jaaye to kya hai?
jalaa do ise, phoonk daalo yeh monitor
mere saamne se hataa daalo yeh modem
tumhaara hai tumhi sambhaalo yeh computer
yeh Product agar chal bhi jaaye to kya hai?
It goes like:
yeh document, yeh meetings, yeh features ki duniya,
yeh insaan ke dushman, cursors ki duniya
yeh deadlines ke bhooke, management ki duniya;
yeh Product agar ban bhi jaaye to kya hai?
yahaan ek khilona hai programmer ki hasti
yeh basti hai murda bug-fixers ki basti
yahaan par to raises hai, inflation se sasti
yeh Review agar ho bhi jaaye to kya hai?
har ek keyboard ghayal, har ek login pyaasi
excel mein uljhan, winword mein udaasi,
yeh office hai ya aalame microsoft ki
yeh Release agar ho bhi jaaye to kya hai?
jalaa do ise, phoonk daalo yeh monitor
mere saamne se hataa daalo yeh modem
tumhaara hai tumhi sambhaalo yeh computer
yeh Product agar chal bhi jaaye to kya hai?
Sometimes...
sometimes the snow comes down in june
sometimes the sun goes round the moon
I see the passion in your eyes
sometimes its all a big surprise
'cos there was a time when all I did was wish
you'd tell me this was love
its not the way I hoped or planned
but somehow its enough
and now we are standing face to face
isn't this world a crazy place
just when i thought our chance had passed
you go and save the best for the last
sometimes the sun goes round the moon
I see the passion in your eyes
sometimes its all a big surprise
'cos there was a time when all I did was wish
you'd tell me this was love
its not the way I hoped or planned
but somehow its enough
and now we are standing face to face
isn't this world a crazy place
just when i thought our chance had passed
you go and save the best for the last
December 29, 2005
A love letter by a Software Professional
Dear Miss,
I saw you yesterday while surfing on the local train platform and realised that you are the only site I was browsing for. For a long time, I've been lonely, trying to find a bug in my life and you can be a real debugger for me now. My life is just an uncompiled program without you that never produces an executable code and hence is useless.
You not only have a beautiful face, but all your ActiveX controls are attractive as well. Your smile is so delightful that it encourages me and gives me power equal to thousands of mainframes processing power. When you looked at me last evening, I felt all my program modules running smoothly and giving expected results, which I have never experienced before.
With this letter, I just want to convey that, if we linked together, I'll provide you with all the objects and libraries necessary for a human being to live an error free life. Also don't bother about the firewall, which may be created by our parents as I've strong hacking capabilities by which I'll ultimately break their security passwords and make them accept our marriage.
I anticipate that nobody is already logged into your database so that my connect script would fail. And it's all certain that if this happened to me, I will crash my system beyond recovery.
Kindly interpret this letter properly and grant me all privileges of your inbox.
Only yours,
Software Professional
I saw you yesterday while surfing on the local train platform and realised that you are the only site I was browsing for. For a long time, I've been lonely, trying to find a bug in my life and you can be a real debugger for me now. My life is just an uncompiled program without you that never produces an executable code and hence is useless.
You not only have a beautiful face, but all your ActiveX controls are attractive as well. Your smile is so delightful that it encourages me and gives me power equal to thousands of mainframes processing power. When you looked at me last evening, I felt all my program modules running smoothly and giving expected results, which I have never experienced before.
With this letter, I just want to convey that, if we linked together, I'll provide you with all the objects and libraries necessary for a human being to live an error free life. Also don't bother about the firewall, which may be created by our parents as I've strong hacking capabilities by which I'll ultimately break their security passwords and make them accept our marriage.
I anticipate that nobody is already logged into your database so that my connect script would fail. And it's all certain that if this happened to me, I will crash my system beyond recovery.
Kindly interpret this letter properly and grant me all privileges of your inbox.
Only yours,
Software Professional
One Liners
If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.
Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman.
A Spouse is someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
The reason men lie is because women ask so many questions.
Smoking helps you lose weight ... one lung at a time
When I read about the evils of drinking... I gave up reading.
My Grandfather is eighty and still doesn't need glasses... He drinks straight out of the bottle.
You know the kids are growing up when your daughter begins to put on lipstick or your son starts to wipe it off.
I always leave an empty milk carton in the refrigerator just in case some one wants black coffee.
Getting caught is the mother of invention.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is the fact that it has never tried to contact us.
Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman.
A Spouse is someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
The reason men lie is because women ask so many questions.
Smoking helps you lose weight ... one lung at a time
When I read about the evils of drinking... I gave up reading.
My Grandfather is eighty and still doesn't need glasses... He drinks straight out of the bottle.
You know the kids are growing up when your daughter begins to put on lipstick or your son starts to wipe it off.
I always leave an empty milk carton in the refrigerator just in case some one wants black coffee.
Getting caught is the mother of invention.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is the fact that it has never tried to contact us.
Media Report
When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?
USA Today: WE'RE DEAD
The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE
Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER
Wired: THE LAST NEW THING
Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
Readers Digest: 'BYE'
Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
USA Today: WE'RE DEAD
The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE
Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER
Wired: THE LAST NEW THING
Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
Readers Digest: 'BYE'
Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
Life is About Choices
"Michael is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!" He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Michael was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.
Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went upto Michael and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?" Michael replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood. I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.
"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested. "Yes, it is," Michael said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood. Your bottomline: It's your choice how you live life.
I reflected on what Michael said. Soon thereafter, I left the Tower Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it. Several years later, I heard that Michael was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower. After18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Michael was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back. I saw Michael about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied. "If Iwere any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?" I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place.
"The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my soon to be born daughter," Michael replied. "Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live orI could choose to die. I chose to live." "Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked. Michael continued, "...the paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me in to the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read "he's a dead man. I knew I needed to take action."
"What did you do?" I asked. "Well, there was a big burly nurses houting questions at me," said Michael. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. "Yes, I replied." The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, "Gravity. "Over their laughter, I told them, "I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead."
Michael lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything. "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." After all today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Life ka Fundas
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.
Love affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.
Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her master.
Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
College: A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power.
Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in RO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY .
Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Criminal: A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
IT Profesional: One who gets paid for reading/writing such Fundas!!
Love affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.
Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her master.
Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
College: A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power.
Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in RO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY .
Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Criminal: A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
IT Profesional: One who gets paid for reading/writing such Fundas!!
December 28, 2005
UR Life & Indian Advt Lines
Your parents are insisting you to get married to a girl and they show photos of girls of their choice....
DHIKHAVE PE NA JAAO APNI AKAL LAGAAO (Sprite)
You would like to search for a girl on your own
GO FOR YAHOO SEARCH (Yahoo.com)
You are invited to a party where you come across a lot of girls
WHENEVER YOU SEE COLOUR THINK OF US (Jhenson & Nicholson)
You are altogether confused, as all the girls are pretty
DOONDTHE RAHA JAAOGE (Surf Excel)
At last you find a girl, whom you wish to propose, the chances are
FIFTY FIFTY (Britannia Biscuits)
At last you muster up courage and tell her
I LOVE YOU RASNA (Rasna)
She stares at you for a while and says
LET'S TALK (Escotel Prepaid Cellular)
During the ensuing conversation she politely refuses your offer
ZOR KA JATKA ZARA DHEERE SE LAGE (Mirinda)
And your heart breaks
IT JOINS EVERYTHING EXCEPT BROKEN HEARTS (QuickFix)
But you still can't get her off your mind...
GO GET IT (Visa Power)
At last she relents, when you give her
CORNNETTO (Pyar Ka Naya Funda)
Next day you take her for a ride on your bike..
NEIGHBOURS ENVY OWNERS PRIDE (Onida)
While going on the bike her father sees both of you and now
TASTE THE THUNDER (Thums Up)
But at last he also agrees as you are
MADE FOR EACH OTHER (Wiils)
Then comes your marriage and
EVERYONE's INVITED (Samsung)
During the marriage the pundit recites the mantra
YEH FEVICOL KA MAZBOOTH JODE HAI TOOTEGA NAHI (Fevicol)
You are anxiously waiting for the first night to come as
YEH DIL MANGE MORE (Pepsi)
During the first night both of you want to
PLAY SAFE (Bisleri)
So she says to you
TOUCH TOMORROW (Air Tel)
Next day comes and you want to
UNDERLINE YOUR PRESENCE (Van Huesen Shirts)
She also agrees because
YEH ARAM KA MAMLA HAI (Rupa)
And she says
JO CHAHO HO JAYE ENJOY (CoCo Cola)
Then starts
THE GOOD LIFE (Air Tel)
DHIKHAVE PE NA JAAO APNI AKAL LAGAAO (Sprite)
You would like to search for a girl on your own
GO FOR YAHOO SEARCH (Yahoo.com)
You are invited to a party where you come across a lot of girls
WHENEVER YOU SEE COLOUR THINK OF US (Jhenson & Nicholson)
You are altogether confused, as all the girls are pretty
DOONDTHE RAHA JAAOGE (Surf Excel)
At last you find a girl, whom you wish to propose, the chances are
FIFTY FIFTY (Britannia Biscuits)
At last you muster up courage and tell her
I LOVE YOU RASNA (Rasna)
She stares at you for a while and says
LET'S TALK (Escotel Prepaid Cellular)
During the ensuing conversation she politely refuses your offer
ZOR KA JATKA ZARA DHEERE SE LAGE (Mirinda)
And your heart breaks
IT JOINS EVERYTHING EXCEPT BROKEN HEARTS (QuickFix)
But you still can't get her off your mind...
GO GET IT (Visa Power)
At last she relents, when you give her
CORNNETTO (Pyar Ka Naya Funda)
Next day you take her for a ride on your bike..
NEIGHBOURS ENVY OWNERS PRIDE (Onida)
While going on the bike her father sees both of you and now
TASTE THE THUNDER (Thums Up)
But at last he also agrees as you are
MADE FOR EACH OTHER (Wiils)
Then comes your marriage and
EVERYONE's INVITED (Samsung)
During the marriage the pundit recites the mantra
YEH FEVICOL KA MAZBOOTH JODE HAI TOOTEGA NAHI (Fevicol)
You are anxiously waiting for the first night to come as
YEH DIL MANGE MORE (Pepsi)
During the first night both of you want to
PLAY SAFE (Bisleri)
So she says to you
TOUCH TOMORROW (Air Tel)
Next day comes and you want to
UNDERLINE YOUR PRESENCE (Van Huesen Shirts)
She also agrees because
YEH ARAM KA MAMLA HAI (Rupa)
And she says
JO CHAHO HO JAYE ENJOY (CoCo Cola)
Then starts
THE GOOD LIFE (Air Tel)
Lateral Thinking
1. There is a man that lives on the top floor of a very tall building. Everyday he gets the elevatordown to the ground floor to leave the building to goto work. Upon returning from work though, he can only travel half way up in the lift and has to walk the rest of the way unless it's raining! WHY?
This is probably the best known and most celebrated of all lateral Thinking puzzles. It is a trueclassic. Although there are many possible Solutionswhich fit the initial conditions, only the canonical answer is truly satisfying. Think over it before checking the answers down below.
2. A man and his son are in a car accident. The father dies on the scene, but the child is rushed to the hospital. When he arrives the surgeon says "I can't operate on this boy, he is my son!" How canthis be?
3. A man is wearing black. Black shoes, socks, trousers, jumper, gloves and balaclava. He is walking down a black street with all the street lamps off. A black car is coming towards him with its light off too but somehow manages to stop intime. How did the driver see the man?
4. One day Kerry celebrated her birthday. Two days later her older twin brother, Terry, celebrated his birthday. Why?
5. Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones? This is logical rather than lateral, but it is a good puzzle which can be solved by lateral thinking techniques. It is supposedly used by a very well-known software company as an interview question for prospective employees.
6. A man went to a party and drank some of the punch.He then left early. Everyone else at the party who drank the punch subsequently died of poisoning. Why did the man not die?
7. A man died and went to Heaven. There were thousands of other people there. They were all naked and all looked as they did at the age of 21. He lookedaround to see if there was anyone he recognized. He saw a couple and he knew immediately that theywere Adam and Eve. How did he know?
8. A woman had two sons who were born on the same hour of the same day of the same year. But they were not twins. How could this be so?
9. A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man. The man says 'Thank you' and walks out.
This puzzle has claims to be the best of the genre. It is simple in its statement, absolutely baffling and yet with a completely satisfying solution. Most people struggle very hard to solvethis one yet they like the answer when they hear itor have the satisfaction of figuring it out.
SOLUTIONS:
1) The man is very very short and so can only reachhalf way up the lift buttons! However, if it israining then he will have his umbrella with him andso can press the higher buttons with it.
2)The surgeon is the boy's mother.
3) It was day time.
4) At the time she went into labor, the mother of the twins was travelling by boat. The older twin, Terry,was born first early on March 1st. The boat then crossed a time zone and Kerry, the younger twin, wasborn on February the 28th. Therefore, the younger twin celebrates her birthday two days before herolder brother.
5) A square manhole cover can be turned and dropped down the diagonal of the manhole. A round manhole cannot be dropped down the manhole. So for safety and practicality, all manhole covers should beround.
6) The poison in the punch came from the ice cubes.When the man drank the punch, the ice was fully frozen. Gradually it melted, poisoning the punch.
7) He recognized Adam and Eve as the only people without navels. because they were not born of women, they had never had umbilical cords andtherefore they never had navels. This one seems perfectly logical but it can sometimes spark fiercetheological arguments.
8) They were two of a set of triplets (orquadruplets etc.) This puzzle stumps many people. They try outlandish solutions involving test-tube babies or surrogate mothers. Why does the rain search for complex solutions when there is a much simpler one available?
9) The man had hiccups. The barman recognized this from his speech and drew the gun in order to give him a shock. It worked and cured the hiccups-so theman no longer needed the water. The is a simple puzzle to state but a difficult one to solve. It is a perfect example of a seemingly irrational and incongruous situation having a simple andcomplete explanation.
Amazingly this classic puzzle seems to work indifferent cultures and languages.
Bright and Brilliant
Pervez Musharraf comes to Delhi for a meeting with Vajpayee.
After dinner, Vajpayee says to Musharraf: "Well, I don't know what you think of the members of your Cabinet, but mine are all bright and brilliant."
"How do you know?" asks Musharraf.
"Oh well, it's simple", says Atal.
"They all have to take special tests before they can be a minister. Wait a second" He calls Advani over and says to him "Tell me Advaniji, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"
"Ah, that's simple", says Advani, "it is me!"
"Well done Advani", says Vajpayee and Musharraf is very impressed.
He returns to Islamabad and wonders about the intelligence of the members of his Cabinet.
He calls in favorite member of Cabinet and asks: "Tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"
He thinks and thinks and doesn't know the answer. "Can I think about it a bit further? May I let you know tomorrow?"
"Of course", says Musharraf, "you've got 24 hours."
He goes away, thinks as hard as he can, calls in his Cabinet Secretary,Chief Secretaries and Joint Secretaries, but no-one knows the answer.
Twenty hours later, the member of Musharraf's Cabinet is very worried still no answer and only 4 hours to go.
Eventually he says: "I'll ask Benazir, she's clever, she'll know the answer."
He calls Benazir. "Benazir" he says, "tell me who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"
"Very simple", says Benazir, "it's me!" "Of course" says the Cabinet member and rings Musharraf.
"Sir", says he,"I've got the answer: It's Benazir Bhutto".
"No,you idiot", says Musharraf, "it's Advani.
After dinner, Vajpayee says to Musharraf: "Well, I don't know what you think of the members of your Cabinet, but mine are all bright and brilliant."
"How do you know?" asks Musharraf.
"Oh well, it's simple", says Atal.
"They all have to take special tests before they can be a minister. Wait a second" He calls Advani over and says to him "Tell me Advaniji, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"
"Ah, that's simple", says Advani, "it is me!"
"Well done Advani", says Vajpayee and Musharraf is very impressed.
He returns to Islamabad and wonders about the intelligence of the members of his Cabinet.
He calls in favorite member of Cabinet and asks: "Tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"
He thinks and thinks and doesn't know the answer. "Can I think about it a bit further? May I let you know tomorrow?"
"Of course", says Musharraf, "you've got 24 hours."
He goes away, thinks as hard as he can, calls in his Cabinet Secretary,Chief Secretaries and Joint Secretaries, but no-one knows the answer.
Twenty hours later, the member of Musharraf's Cabinet is very worried still no answer and only 4 hours to go.
Eventually he says: "I'll ask Benazir, she's clever, she'll know the answer."
He calls Benazir. "Benazir" he says, "tell me who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"
"Very simple", says Benazir, "it's me!" "Of course" says the Cabinet member and rings Musharraf.
"Sir", says he,"I've got the answer: It's Benazir Bhutto".
"No,you idiot", says Musharraf, "it's Advani.
Kiss 'N' Tell
Here's how the professors of different subjects define the same word "kiss" in different ways:Prof. of Algebra : Kiss is infinity because two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Geometry : Kiss is the shortest distance between two lips.
Prof. of Physics : Kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Chemistry : Kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Prof. of Physiology : Kiss is the just a position of two orbicularis oris muscles in the state of contraction.
Prof. of Dentistry : Kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of Accountancy : Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Economics : Kiss is that thing for which the demand is always higher than the supply.
Prof. of Statistics : Kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.
Prof. of Philosophy : Kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
Prof. of English : Kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.
Prof. of Architecture : Kiss is a process which builds a solid bond between the two dynamic objects.
Prof. of Computer Science : What is a kiss? It looks to be an undefined variable.
Lunch
An Irishman, a Mexican, and a Sardar were doing construction work on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch when the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage. If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and said, "Burritos again?? If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump, too."
The Surdar opened his lunch and said, "Parathe again. If I get a parathe one more time, I'm jumping, too."
The Next Day:
The Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch box, sees a burrito and jumps to his death. The surdar opens his lunch, sees the parathe and also jumps to his death.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I had known how tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again." The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas. I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the Surdar's wife, and she said, "Hey, don't look at me... that dumb used to make his own lunch."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and said, "Burritos again?? If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump, too."
The Surdar opened his lunch and said, "Parathe again. If I get a parathe one more time, I'm jumping, too."
The Next Day:
The Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch box, sees a burrito and jumps to his death. The surdar opens his lunch, sees the parathe and also jumps to his death.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I had known how tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again." The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas. I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the Surdar's wife, and she said, "Hey, don't look at me... that dumb used to make his own lunch."
December 27, 2005
Ek Rassi...
While waiting for a bus, a Sardar sees a truck being towed away by another truck, pulled with a rope. He laughs uproariously, shaking with mirth, rolls on the ground and cannot control his laughter.
There is a Madrasi who is standing with the Sardar for the bus. He wonders, what's up ? Calls the Sardar, but the Sardar cannot control himself, points at the towing truck & again rolls on the ground, billowing more dust.
The Madrasi appa is annoyed, pulls up the Sardar and asks him what is so funny?
The Sardar says "Kya zamana aa gaya hai, Ek rassi uthaney ke liye do-do Truck !
There is a Madrasi who is standing with the Sardar for the bus. He wonders, what's up ? Calls the Sardar, but the Sardar cannot control himself, points at the towing truck & again rolls on the ground, billowing more dust.
The Madrasi appa is annoyed, pulls up the Sardar and asks him what is so funny?
The Sardar says "Kya zamana aa gaya hai, Ek rassi uthaney ke liye do-do Truck !
Drunkard and the Pope
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick, and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading.
A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis"?
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he said, turned to the man and apologized. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis, Father, but I just read in the paper that the Pope has does."
WORKER DEAD AT DESK FOR 5 DAYS
WORKER DEAD AT DESK FOR 5 DAYS
In the Birmingham Sunday Mercury (7th Jan 2001)
In the Birmingham Sunday Mercury (7th Jan 2001)
Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticed that one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for five days before anyone asked if he was feeling okay. George Turklebaum, 51,who had been employed as a proof-reader at a New York firm for 30 years,had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers. He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday morning when an office cleaner asked why he was still working during the weekend. His boss Elliot Wachiaski said: "George was always the first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and didn't say anything. "He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself." A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a coronary. Ironically, George was proof reading manuscripts of medical textbooks when he died. You may want to give your co-workers a nudge occasionally.
And the moral of the story: Don't work too hard. Nobody notices anyway......
Don't Lie To Your Mother
Shane invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Shane's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Shane and his roommate and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Shane and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Shane volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Kerry and I are just rommates."
About a week later, Kerry came to Shane and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle."
"You don't suppose she took it, do you? " Shane said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a email just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you didn't take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Later in the day Shane received an email from his mother which read:"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Kerry, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Kerry. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
Lesson of the day: Don't Lie To Your Mother
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Shane and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Shane volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Kerry and I are just rommates."
About a week later, Kerry came to Shane and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle."
"You don't suppose she took it, do you? " Shane said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a email just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you didn't take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Later in the day Shane received an email from his mother which read:"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Kerry, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Kerry. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
Lesson of the day: Don't Lie To Your Mother
Catchy Captions
Four insurance companies are in competition.
One comes up with the slogan "Coverage from the cradle to the grave."
The Second one tries to improve on that with "Coverage from the womb to the tomb."
Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with "From the sperm to the worm."
The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up the race, but finally came up with "From the erection to the resurrection."
One comes up with the slogan "Coverage from the cradle to the grave."
The Second one tries to improve on that with "Coverage from the womb to the tomb."
Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with "From the sperm to the worm."
The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up the race, but finally came up with "From the erection to the resurrection."
Business is Business
One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the $2."
As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business..."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the $2."
As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business..."
Choice
Upon dying, Bill Gates went to purgatory.
St. Peter said to his, "Now Bill, you have done some goodthings, and you have done some bad things. Now I amgoing to let you decide where you want to go".
So, Bill takes a look at hell and see's these beautiful womenrunning around, in 80 degree temperature, on beautifulbeaches.
Then he took a look at heaven and it was nice, you knowharps and singing and worship and stuff like that.
So he said to St. Peter that he would like to go to hell.
About a week later, St. Peter went down to hell to check onBill. There he saw him, being whipped by demons.
He said to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautifullwomen, and the beaches and the 80 degree temperature?"
Peter replied, "That was just the screen saver."
St. Peter said to his, "Now Bill, you have done some goodthings, and you have done some bad things. Now I amgoing to let you decide where you want to go".
So, Bill takes a look at hell and see's these beautiful womenrunning around, in 80 degree temperature, on beautifulbeaches.
Then he took a look at heaven and it was nice, you knowharps and singing and worship and stuff like that.
So he said to St. Peter that he would like to go to hell.
About a week later, St. Peter went down to hell to check onBill. There he saw him, being whipped by demons.
He said to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautifullwomen, and the beaches and the 80 degree temperature?"
Peter replied, "That was just the screen saver."
Again A Barber
A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine."
The barber began to lather his facewhile a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had everseen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."
The cowboy said, "Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."
The barber began to lather his facewhile a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had everseen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."
The cowboy said, "Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."
Sher ki shaadi
ek sher ki shaadi thi...to uske barat main ek chuha bahut jamke nach raha tha...
Public ka to funda hill gaya...boss yeh chuhe ko sher ki shaadi main itna kya maja aa raha hai...
To ek bander ne chuhe se pucha ...abhey item, itna kyon naach raha hai ?
Chuha bola..."aaj mere bhai ki shaadi hai, nachoo kyon nahin"
Bander: "Sher aur tera bhai.. chal hat!!"
Chuha: "Haan... main bhi shaadi ke pehle sher tha..."
Public ka to funda hill gaya...boss yeh chuhe ko sher ki shaadi main itna kya maja aa raha hai...
To ek bander ne chuhe se pucha ...abhey item, itna kyon naach raha hai ?
Chuha bola..."aaj mere bhai ki shaadi hai, nachoo kyon nahin"
Bander: "Sher aur tera bhai.. chal hat!!"
Chuha: "Haan... main bhi shaadi ke pehle sher tha..."
December 26, 2005
Never believe a Barber
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded, dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So,how are you getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, whereare you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you getthere?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to seehim. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumpedus up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes topersonally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. "
Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the lousy haircut?"
"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, whereare you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you getthere?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to seehim. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumpedus up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes topersonally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. "
Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the lousy haircut?"
Whats ur name?
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What's your name?" he asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "
December 25, 2005
PJs on elephants
These are real PJs on elephants. Those with blood pressure, please avoid. But never read only one. The effects are cumulative. After you finish reading them, be sure I'll be praying not to see you for a long long time...
Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.
Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
A: Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.
Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A: Because it fell asleep.
Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.
Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was a copy cat.
Q: Why did the fourth elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It thought this was all a game.
Q: And why did the tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.
Q: What does an elephant and a blueberry have in common?
A: They're both blue, except for the elephant.
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill?
A: Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill.
Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.
Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue, then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?
A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant?
A: First you bake a cake, and put 3 raisins on top, then you take it out in the jungle where the pink elephant will find it, and you wait. Eventually the elephant comes along, finds the cake, eats the raisins and throws the cake away. Then you go home and bake another cake and put 2 raisins on top, take it out
in the jungle where the elephant will find it. The elephant comes along, finds the cake, eats the 2 raisins and throws the cake away. You go home and bake another cake and put only one raisin on it. Then you trek back into the jungle and put the cake where the pink elephant will find it. The elephant comes along eats the raisin, and throws that cake away. Now you go home and bake another cake, but (here's the sneaky part) you don't put any raisins on it. You take it out into the jungle where the elephant will find it and lie in wait. The pink elephant comes along and finds the cake, he gets SO mad that there aren't any raisins on it, he turns red, then you jump on him, strangle him until he turns blue......and you shoot him with a BLUE ELEPHANT GUN!!!
Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Aw, come one, have you ever seen a yellow elephant !?!
Q: Why do elephants have red eyes?
A: So they can hide themselves better in cherry trees.
Q: Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
A: No? See how well the trick with the red eyes works?
Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW bug?
A: Five: two in the front, two in the back, and one in the trunk.
Q: How can you tell an elephant has been in your fridge?
A: There are footprints in the butter.
Q: How can you tell if two elephants have been in your fridge?
A: There are two sets of footprints in your butter.
Q: How can you tell if three elephants have been in your fridge?
A: There are three sets of footprints in your butter.
Q: How can you tell if four elephants have been in your fridge?
A: There are four sets of footprints in your butter.
Q: How can you tell if five elephants have been in your refrigerator?
A: There are VW tracks in the butter.
Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
A: Time to get a new fence.
Q: Where does an 8 ton elephant sit?
A: Any damn where he pleases!
Q: Why is an elephant covered in wrinkles?
A: Ever try to iron one?
Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.
Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
A: Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.
Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A: Because it fell asleep.
Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.
Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was a copy cat.
Q: Why did the fourth elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It thought this was all a game.
Q: And why did the tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.
Q: What does an elephant and a blueberry have in common?
A: They're both blue, except for the elephant.
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill?
A: Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill.
Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.
Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue, then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?
A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant?
A: First you bake a cake, and put 3 raisins on top, then you take it out in the jungle where the pink elephant will find it, and you wait. Eventually the elephant comes along, finds the cake, eats the raisins and throws the cake away. Then you go home and bake another cake and put 2 raisins on top, take it out
in the jungle where the elephant will find it. The elephant comes along, finds the cake, eats the 2 raisins and throws the cake away. You go home and bake another cake and put only one raisin on it. Then you trek back into the jungle and put the cake where the pink elephant will find it. The elephant comes along eats the raisin, and throws that cake away. Now you go home and bake another cake, but (here's the sneaky part) you don't put any raisins on it. You take it out into the jungle where the elephant will find it and lie in wait. The pink elephant comes along and finds the cake, he gets SO mad that there aren't any raisins on it, he turns red, then you jump on him, strangle him until he turns blue......and you shoot him with a BLUE ELEPHANT GUN!!!
Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Aw, come one, have you ever seen a yellow elephant !?!
Q: Why do elephants have red eyes?
A: So they can hide themselves better in cherry trees.
Q: Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
A: No? See how well the trick with the red eyes works?
Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW bug?
A: Five: two in the front, two in the back, and one in the trunk.
Q: How can you tell an elephant has been in your fridge?
A: There are footprints in the butter.
Q: How can you tell if two elephants have been in your fridge?
A: There are two sets of footprints in your butter.
Q: How can you tell if three elephants have been in your fridge?
A: There are three sets of footprints in your butter.
Q: How can you tell if four elephants have been in your fridge?
A: There are four sets of footprints in your butter.
Q: How can you tell if five elephants have been in your refrigerator?
A: There are VW tracks in the butter.
Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
A: Time to get a new fence.
Q: Where does an 8 ton elephant sit?
A: Any damn where he pleases!
Q: Why is an elephant covered in wrinkles?
A: Ever try to iron one?
December 24, 2005
Back from the Dead
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbor is going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"
The guy stumbles around and says, "Um...er...no...what happened?"
The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"
A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"
The guy stumbles around and says, "Um...er...no...what happened?"
The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"
Sherlock Holmes
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said, "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"And what does that tell you?"
"Astronomically," Watson replied, "it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God and His Universe are infinite. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
"Somebody stole our tent."
Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"And what does that tell you?"
"Astronomically," Watson replied, "it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God and His Universe are infinite. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
"Somebody stole our tent."
December 20, 2005
IF Microsoft Made Cars
Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.Occasionally your car would just die on the motorway for no reason, accept this, restart and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to restart and you'd have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this too.
You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a "Car 95" or a "Car NT." But then you'd have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but it would only run on five percent of the roads.
The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft® upgrades to their cars which would make their cars go much slower.
The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft® cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for many years.
We'd all have to switch to Microsoft® gas and all auto fluids but thepackaging would be superb.
New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
They wouldn't build their own engines, but form a cartel with their engine suppliers. The latest engine would have 16 cylinders, multi-point fuel injection and 4 turbos, but it would be a side-valve design so you could use Model-T Ford parts on it.
There would be an "Engine Pro" with bigger turbos, but it would be sloweron most existing roads.
Microsoft® cars would have a special radio/cassette player which would onlybe able to listen to Microsoft® FM, and play Microsoft® Cassettes. Unless of course, you buy the upgrade to use existing stuff.
December 12, 2005
Arj Kiya Hai!
company kee ladkiyaan sunder hain aur lonely hain...
Problem ye hai ki bus voh READ-ONLY hain...
Tumhare samne hain itney items kabhi hame bhi pick karo...
Hamare pyar ke ICON pe kabhi to tum DOUBLE-CLICK karo...
Roz subha hum karte hai itne pyar se unhe good morning...
woh humhe ghoor kar dekhte hain jaise 0 ERRORS but 5 WARNINGS...
Ho gayi galti humse, click ho gaya mouse
Duniya ki parwaah chhodo, ban jaao meri spouse!
Tumse mila main kal to, mere dil mein hua ek sound,
Lekin aaj tum mili to kehti ho: Your file not found!
Ab aur kaho na tum, "but" ya "if"
Tum ho meri zindagi ki animated gif
Aysa bhi nahin hai ke, I don't like your face
Par dil ke computer mein, nahin hai enough disk space
Ghar se nikalti ho tum jab, pehen ke evening gown
Too many requests se, ho jaata hai server down
Tumhaare liye pyaar ki application, create main karoonga
Tum usse debug karna, wait main karoonga
Kya chaal hai tumhaari, jaise chalti hai koi cat
What is your ICQ number, aao karein chat
Tum jabse meri zindagi mein, aayi ho banke female
Yaad raha na ab kuch, na postman, na e-Mail
Tumhaara intezaar karte karte, main so gaya
Yeh dekho mera connection, time out ho gaya
Problem ye hai ki bus voh READ-ONLY hain...
Tumhare samne hain itney items kabhi hame bhi pick karo...
Hamare pyar ke ICON pe kabhi to tum DOUBLE-CLICK karo...
Roz subha hum karte hai itne pyar se unhe good morning...
woh humhe ghoor kar dekhte hain jaise 0 ERRORS but 5 WARNINGS...
Ho gayi galti humse, click ho gaya mouse
Duniya ki parwaah chhodo, ban jaao meri spouse!
Tumse mila main kal to, mere dil mein hua ek sound,
Lekin aaj tum mili to kehti ho: Your file not found!
Ab aur kaho na tum, "but" ya "if"
Tum ho meri zindagi ki animated gif
Aysa bhi nahin hai ke, I don't like your face
Par dil ke computer mein, nahin hai enough disk space
Ghar se nikalti ho tum jab, pehen ke evening gown
Too many requests se, ho jaata hai server down
Tumhaare liye pyaar ki application, create main karoonga
Tum usse debug karna, wait main karoonga
Kya chaal hai tumhaari, jaise chalti hai koi cat
What is your ICQ number, aao karein chat
Tum jabse meri zindagi mein, aayi ho banke female
Yaad raha na ab kuch, na postman, na e-Mail
Tumhaara intezaar karte karte, main so gaya
Yeh dekho mera connection, time out ho gaya
December 02, 2005
Anniversary Dinner
Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following their leads.
He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his wife’s cup and said, "Sugar, sugar?" Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room.
Another table over Joe observed the following. A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, "Honey, honey?" Again Joe thought this was good stuff.
Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wife’s eyes and said, "Ham, pig?"
He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his wife’s cup and said, "Sugar, sugar?" Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room.
Another table over Joe observed the following. A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, "Honey, honey?" Again Joe thought this was good stuff.
Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wife’s eyes and said, "Ham, pig?"
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